What Shall Remain Untitled

I’ve been bailing from my own ground, wandering into emptiness where everything seems so slow and meaningless. I’ve been raging on my own decisions to go from where to nowhere, but I can’t stay mad forever, I have to go on. The world is riding its roller-coaster to unknown and I’m one of the passengers. Just the thought of it beset me already.

Must I say this tangling of fortunes and misfortunes, pains and delights, joy and sadness, intricate one and another, like a beautiful symphony. Pain rhymes with Plain. Naked rhymes with jaded. Sadness rhymes with madness. Everything is uncannily less-extraordinary, but attached so good it drifts me away.

I’ve been wavering too much, went back and forth, over thoughts. I myself standing in a panoptic prison where I’m surrounded by my own dreams and desires, all caged perfectly in every cell where I could see them. They’re howling.
Even if I want to release them, do I have a good reason to do so? Do I agonize over a question which is not meant to be answered?

Oh the greatest failure of all is to wait.

And here I am waiting.


Even to be insane, people have to have a good reason. So they will get empathy or tolerance. I don’t have any reason to be insane or having a mere mental breakdown. All the reasons in the world has been used, there’s no genuine one left.

But I know I’m not okay.

We’re living in a world where sane is the new insane, that people veil their insanity so good because insanity is just one cloth and one paper away; when you go out naked or a doctor tells you that you suffered from mental illnesses.

I’m so overwhelmed with this plague, which doesn’t have any cause. How do I manage to find the cure if I couldn’t trace its beginning? I could feel a sickness rolled in me with gigantic waves, calmly squeezes me from the inside into shredded pieces.

I’m slowly sinking into the thoughts where it begins to splotch everywhere. My skin starts to shrivel. I’m running out of time.


Lucid Dreaming


So I just realize this for the past two months, that I actually have the ability to lucid dreaming. I know it’s hard to imagine. But anyway, it did happen.
Remember that typical dream that only lasts for a moment? No color? Sometimes it’s monochrome, or in pale tone? There’s less dialogue and everything is just out of rationality?
Lucid dreaming is totally different (except for the last part). I’m totally aware that it’s merely a dream AND I have all of my sensory organs work. I can see things clearly. I even can smell, hear, talk, taste, touch. The most fun part of it: I have full control of what’s happening. My consciousness awake, and I can simply tell my brain what to do next, like walking my foot to certain objects, moving things, running, breathing, talking, eating, or anything!

It’s a shame I can’t tell you how I get such ability, because to be honest, I don’t know how it started. I hardly remember my previous dreams but last night, I entered this bizarre realm once again. That’s why I decided to write it down so I wouldn’t forget.

It was cold at night when I was with my friends; a female and an asexual (It’s a dream, don’t judge). He/she doesn’t have any significant remark on sexuality. Anyway, we were running down the hall, trying to get into the elevator because we’ve been chased by some guys (who apparently have molested me and my female friend). When we finally got to the elevator with panics and stuffs, my female friend was on her plan to escape them. My asexual friend, well he/she was just stood there, terrified as hell, biting nails and trembling.

I told my female friend, well let’s call her Jessie: “no Jess! I don’t want to play fuckin hide and seek. I don’t want to do this. We can win over them, this is stupid”.
(for a note, the setting was a dystopian future, like in a very high cultured civilization with flying cars and shit.)

“We gotta get away from them! They’re gonna rape us!” (Isn’t it shocking that in a very high cultured society, rape is still a thing? Old ‘habits’ die hard, eh?)

I trembled for a while, looking outside and seeing those flying cars, sophisticated architectures from this transparent glass of the building. This isn’t my world, this is something else.

I shook her shoulder, convincing her “Believe me we can defeat them. We can kill them because WE’RE IN A FUCKIN DREAM. Look around will ya!”

As I stopped shouting at her face, the elevator stopped moving. Jessie and my other friend gave me a really eerie facial expression, a very dead-pan one.

“So you don’t wanna go with us?” I didn’t answer her last question.


The elevator door opened and dings. They went out, while still looking at me. I was trying to stop them but suddenly the floor I was standing has opened up like a mouth of a giant fish, swallowed me into the darkness. I could feel my body floating in the air for a bit second.



I knew I fell down. My head was in pain but surprisingly my back was fine. I was landed on these fluffy things; stuffed animals. I realized I was still dreaming but this time it got a lot of beautiful colors.


I grabbed one of those stuffed animals to feel its texture. Fuzzy. I looked around, smelling, feeling the lights in my skin, even trying to walk. There was only one door there, which I believe it’s the only way out and in. I was then convinced that I was lucid-dreaming.
After pulling all the guts, I tried to open the door. Something familiar stroked me. When the door was opened, the lights from the outside hurt my eyes. I couldn’t see clearly but I can feel something familiar about the disposition. It was my own house (not look like one in the reality, but I knew it was mine). I was still in that dystopian future.

I stepped outside from this room; which apparently was the storeroom, looking for somebody who would recognize me. I went to the family room, but there’s no one in there. The living room was larger, there’s an old static TV there (in that kind of era, believe me). I went to the kitchen looking for my grandma or grandpa, but it was empty too.
Then I walked in the hall once again, just to found things that are really terrifying.

I met some of the maids who used to work for us, but they’re not a fucking human. They were jelly fishes and octopus, literally dressing as maid! How could I know it was them? Well, I just happened to know, somehow. I was about to scream but they gave me this very mannered smile while passing at me.

Then I ran to my parent’s working room, which I had a hunch I’d find someone there. I found two statues, resembled the old Greek statues. They were huge and their heads almost touched the ceiling. For all the love in the world, they were my parents! Somehow they managed to turn into statues, I don’t know why and how.


The female statues turned her head to me while still stood in her position.

“My God, sweetie, where have you been? We missed you.” She said nonchalantly.

My dad looked at me, smiled and kissed my cheek. I kissed his cold damn cheek too, awkwardly.

“What happened to you and dad?” I almost cried but I read somewhere that if you don’t wanna wake up while lucid-dreaming, you shouldn’t feel too much emotion. You should relax. So I reminded myself not to do that.

My mom, on the other hand, smiled to me like it was nothing. My dad gave me a nice stroke and pat on my back.

“Was it my fault? Di I cause you this?” I asked him.

My mom answered while smiling, “Nooo, of course it wasn’t your fault, sweetie.” There was silence but I could feel that I missed them too.

My mother excused herself and dad for a while because they got ‘something to do’. I mean really? As a statue? I was so puzzled, I wanted to bang my head to the wall. But then I realized they’re not my parents, it was just a dream.



I brought myself into a different room. It was apparently a library; a square room surrounded by bookshelves made out of glasses. I could see my reflection in one of the glasses. I was pretty sure I read somewhere that you can do almost ‘anything’ in your lucid dream. Like, anything. I was about to read one of the books, but this wicked mind told me to lock the room and do something else. So I decided to ‘summon’ someone that I really miss these recent days.
Yeah, some sources told me you can have sex in your lucid dream. But I still don’t understand why I picked this guy instead of anyone else. (Because you’re dumb, d’uh)

I tried to concentrate my mind, while closing my eyes, trying to make him appear to me (it’s been a while since I don’t have sex so I was pretty desperate, lol). I opened my eyes and there was no sign of him. I was almost desperate when suddenly the mirror in front of me reflected him! He was behind me, hugging me. But there’s no one on my back. So I learned that he was living in the mirror, or was I being delusional. But could you be delusional in your own fuckin dream?

Anyway, what the hell did that mean? He represented the reality that he lives on the other side of my mind like a fuckin ghost? Bullshit. We both know that it was just a dream, fucking each other a bit wouldn’t hurt.

“I missed you” I said in in tremble, while in the mirror, he kept kissing my neck.

“Why don’t you come here? I wanna touch you.” But he just smiled, without talking.

I was that frustrated. I touched myself as he touched my reflection. It was bizarre but it felt nice. I finally see this guy touch me once again, even just in my dream. It felt sooo real that I wet my pants a bit. He rubbed my genital smoothly, as he grabbed my boobs from behind. Then he pinned me down… wait, I’m not giving you the details, or this is gonna end as a cheap sex story.

So it ended with the saddest truth: I was touching myself. It was as shitty as my lonely nights with the porns that I’ve watched zillion times as I touched myself with my cold fingers.

Anyway, it was a weird yet peculiar experience, after all. Verdict: I finally able to take fully control of myself in my lucid dream. Bad news: first attempt to have sex in lucid dream failed.


Surviving the Finite World

In Sex Evolution

We all know the world is finite. The non-renewable resources such as food, energy and fresh water have bear witness that our world naturally constructs a finite sphere. The world was constructed by the accumulation of biological process, involving environment changes and selection, as we may call it evolution. At practical level, individual tend to subsist their life in order to adapt due to mass utilization of finite resources and environment changes. We have to adapt, and try to survive.Is it true? Should we be afraid of this limitation?

According to Darwin and Wallace, finiteness of resources however triggered the competition and natural selection make thepopulation stays on a constant yet considerable number. We live in the world where we try to adapt and to survive; from the finiteness of resources. Rooting from the game theory, which mainly focuses on cooperation (and conflict) between two individuals, it is clear that we make strategies to survive. One of them is sex and recombination.

Back on the middle and late 20th century, the research on reproduction strategy has shown that sex and genetic recombination double the chance of successive adaptation for the offspring, compare to the mutation of those whom produced asexually. That’s because sex and recombination generate new variation of alleles.Cynically saying, successful adaptation costs a lot; one has to do sex and recombination.

In an infinite population with mutation, all possible combinations of alleles (variants of a particular gene) are always available. It is why they could produce the offspring at any given time, without sex. But, somehow we have to accept this is not enough to prove that they could adapt well in environment changes. This is caused by the genetic drift. Paradoxically speaking, genetic drift; changes of alleles presence as a result of genetic composition and random events rather than by natural selection – of infinite population is inadequate. Meanwhile in a finite population, the drift is moderately adequate and adaptive.

Models that consider modifiers in finite populations have shown that drift tends to contribute to the evolution of sex and recombination.And this drift theory in sex and recombination showed that all populations are finite.